Here’s a Guest Post I’m thrilled to share – it’s well-crafted advice on a universally important topic. How often we let criticism affect us at our core! A number of years ago, it became very clear I needed to work on strengthening my resilience. Learning to recover quickly from criticism with my soul in tact required a concerted and sustained effort, but it’s been a life skill worth building.  See what Leo has to say about it.

Post written by Leo Babauta of ZenHabits

If you’re going to do anything interesting in the world, criticism is an unavoidable fact. You’ll be criticized, because you’ll make mistakes, because some will be jealous, because people have opinions about anything interesting, because people want to help you, because some want to drag down those doing anything different. The trick to navigating the icebergs of criticism is to figure out which are helpful, and steer clear of those that aren’t. And above all, do it with grace.

Criticism on Zen Habits

Once Zen Habits started to take off — I had 26K subscribers at the end of my first year in 2007 — I received all kinds of criticism. Many of them were from new readers, who were mostly incredibly positive and encouraging, but who sometimes would leave scathing comments on a post. I learned a tactic that worked extremely well. If a comment was mean, I’d take a minute to calm myself down, and then ask, “Does this person have a point (despite their rude tone)?” Then I would respond and thank the commenter for his criticism. I’d acknowledge their point without being defensive. I’d respond with my reasoning, if I felt I had a point, or if the critic was right I would agree and let them know I was going to change things. Either way, I was grateful for their criticism.

This had a startling effect: the commenter would often respond very positively. Thanking the commenter and acknowledging their point is disarming. People who leave rude comments don’t expect you to listen to them, much less be grateful and empathetic. I had many of my critics become friends after doing that — I’ve never seen a tactic have better results. I’d also get criticism from other sites. My usual response has been to ask myself (again, after calming down), “Does this person have a point?” If they do, I’ll see what I can do to change. If not, I’ll move on. I’ve learned that criticism is a fact of the game. I can respond with anger, or let it stop me from doing things, or I can let it help me. Or accept that it’s there and move on. I choose the last two.

How Not To Handle Criticism

Criticism can bring you down if you let it. People get discouraged when faced with criticism, and just give up. That can be understandable, but why let the words of someone having a bad day (or month) stop you from doing something great? What would have happened if Shakespeare had stopped writing the first time an audience member jeered one of his lines? Or if Gandhi had given up just because the Brits weren’t happy with his ways? Often people will instead respond to criticism with anger. They’ll lash out, attack, become defensive and aggressive. If you haven’t read this now-infamous comment thread for a review of an indie book, I highly recommend it. The review is fine, but the comments left by the author of the book are simply incredible. She’s a train wreck that you can’t look away from. This is how not to respond to criticism. It was the worst way to react. If you’re angry, you do not tell people to f#&$ off. You do not attack them, blame them for your mistakes, deny that you made any mistakes, and feed fuel to the fire by compounding your mistakes with more mistakes. It would be so much better just to stay silent.

Do Amazing Things

Don’t let criticism stop you from doing anything. If someone tells you that your writing sucks, keep doing it. Make it better. Study people who do it well and rip them off, then make it your own and let your voice infuse what you do. Be great by being honest, by seeking the truth and telling that truth when no one else will. Create amazing things. Contribute to the world, make the version of the world you want to see. Go out and do something different. Don’t do things just because everyone else does it. Here’s a secret: If you find yourself swimming along with all the other fishes, swim the other way. They don’t know where they’re going either. Do something amazing, and share it with the world. Criticism can be necessary, but often it is just dragging down the people trying to do amazing things. Don’t let it stop you.

How to Handle It Gracefully

Calm yourself down before responding. Always. Responding to a critic in anger is never, ever, ever a good idea. In case I didn’t make that clear: don’t ever ever ever respond in anger. Ask yourself why the criticism was made. Is the person trying to help, to make things better, to help you avoid making mistakes, to suggest positive improvements? Is the person just in a cranky rude mood, having a bad day? Is the person just mean, or jealous? Is there good reason for the criticism?

Regardless of the motivation, ask yourself if there is validity in the criticism. Sometimes there really is, but instead of letting that get you down, let it help you improve. Admit that you’re not perfect at what you do (though you are perfect), and that not everything you do is exactly right, and that you want to improve. I, for one, certainly make mistakes all the time and have a lot I can improve.

Thank the person offering the criticism. Sometimes they’re coming from a place of wanting to help you. That takes courage, and is a very generous thing. Be grateful for that. Even when they’re not trying to be helpful, they’ve taken the time to respond to you — and trust me, getting a response is better than absolute silence. Provoking a reaction means you’ve done something interesting — and for that, you should be thankful. Either way, thanking the critic will help lead to a positive exchange.

Respond rationally and calmly. Instead of being defensive, be honest. Share your reasons, acknowledge the other person’s points if there’s any validity, and come to a rational conclusion rather than jealously guarding your way of doing things. Or stay silent. If you can’t respond with grace, then just don’t respond. Silence is a much better response than anger or defensiveness or quitting.

Carry on. You’ve responded gracefully, now get back to doing your amazing things.

This weekend as I was clearing out a drawer, I unearthed a treasure. It was a handwritten list of my life’s goals, circa 1998. When I found it, I stopped what I was doing, sat down in the middle of the room, and took a look at what I’d written. Reading the list took me on  a trip down memory lane. Both the things I’d chosen to put on this list and those I’d been afraid to put on said a lot about me at that time in my life. I’d tracked my progress with checkmarks and dates off and on over the years, but I’d lost track of this particular piece of paper for a while. That’s not to say I’d stopped pursuing the goals. In fact, I’d achieved quite a number of them since the last updating, and found myself reaching for a pencil to add a few checkmarks and dates to the page. In other instances, I wondered aloud what I’d been thinking when I’d set that ridiculous objective, and began instinctively editing the list.

In full disclosure, I’m a serial goal-setter with  handwritten and computerized lists, short-term and long-term lists, lists categorized by aspects of my life. I keep them current, adjusting them as circumstances change, or as I change. But this list, having been lost, provided a clear snapshot of a particular point in time. To  reflect the goals I hold foremost in mind today, it would need to be dusted off, edited, shaped. In fact, it’s that pruning process that I believe is central to good goal setting.

Goals are powerful tools to direct our behavior, so before we put our heart and soul into achieving them, it’s important that we ensure the goals are our OWN. That may seem obvious, but sometimes goals creep in that aren’t ours at all. There are those our parents set for us years ago, or that an ex-boyfriend casually suggested, or that our spouse thinks we should pursue. Over time, we adopt these goals which have been thrust upon us (perhaps even gently bestowed upon us) as our own and we fervently chase them. And chase them. And chase them.

It’s especially hard to achieve a goal that is not your own. The pursuit lacks passion and vigor. Your heart isn’t in it. But a goal you set for yourself? One that lines up with your interests, your beliefs, your dreams? Give you one of those and I’ll bet you’re practically unstoppable.

So, the question is, are you setting and pursuing goals? And if so, are you achieving them?

If not, it may be time to ask yourself, whose goals are they anyway? If you find that a goal you are chasing is not your own, simply get out your pencil and do a little editing. Revise it, tweak it, overhaul it completely if you must. But make sure the final version is your own. When you own the goal, you’ll own the result, and nothing will be able to stop you. Not even if the list itself is hidden away in a desk drawer for years at a time. The goal will live in YOU.